I must do this!"
This is how I felt when I read Elizabeth Gilbert's, Eat, Pray, Love. Since then I have been following in her footsteps without leaving my city.
I read a Facebook post encouraging me to check out the website Wild Soul Movement and creator Elizabeth Dialto's video symposium. I was similarly jolted. In time I watched every video and was transformed, not just from her videos, but also from following my inclination to other video producers, authors, bloggers...anything that caught my interest.
I began making a list so that I could read it every time I forgot who I am.
As I tried things on and removed what wasn't me, I discovered a fierce self-love.
From this came the development of self-care habits.
Next I became aware that my intuition was awakening and I began freeing it from all other voices clambering for attention.
Living so much in "New Age" thought contrasted with my Judeo-Christian upbringing and challenged my theology...or, more correctly, continued the challenge that the intense suffering of living with, then divorcing a mentally ill spouse, followed by my own struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, had started. I lived for a while trying to be an atheist. The problem I had though, was my soul still believed what my mind was trying to deny. Along came Rob Bell and Richard Rohr...and a whole communion of saints who manage to live in a delicious east-west mysticism that made my heart dance!
Speaking of Dance, next came Qoya. Rochelle says, there is no way you can do this wrong and you'll know when it's right because it feels good. Her voice is so incredibly soothing.
When I discovered Instagram, I learned there was a need that only sweet kitty pictures can meet.
I'd been attempting to meditate for ages, but found it very confusing, until I read nearly everything written by Martha Beck. Suddenly it began to make sense , although it's still difficult to describe.
I'm so thankful to all my teachers!
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Sailing from Safe Harbor
Even though it was horrible, it's what I knew. It is hard to leave the familiar for the unknown.
I am...was...extremely afraid of the future. At least in the present circumstances I could imagine what the future would look like. It was bleak and undesirable, but it seemed better than the great unknown.
Beyond here be dragons!
As often happens, things fell apart any way, no matter how hard I was clinging to them. No matter how hard I fought for them.
I found myself staring into the future with no imagination. What I did have was open wounds and scars. Lots and lots of both.
It felt like drowning....untethered.
It's the first time I remember losing my faith...in everything. I manifested symptoms of PTSD and had my first panic attack. I imagined suicide. I did not desire death, but I finally understood why some choose that route.
I have endured physical pain, as well as emotional, but to feel like ones mind is unhinged, like the body and mind have forgotten what they can do and should do...
For example, imagine driving along one of the busiest streets and suddenly forgetting how to drive!
...this kind of thing is beyond frightening!
Beyond here there most definitely be dragons!
What's still amazing to me, is that in those moments, my mind and body would find the very thing needed to correct the problem...
First, I would gasp for air. The flood of oxygen would awaken sound reasoning. If I don't know how to drive, then pull over. Breathe some more. Turn off every sound possible. Close your eyes. Breathe...in...Breathe...out...
...inhale, exhale is the answer to so many momentary problems. "Just Breathe" is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do.
What I came to discover, while "just breathing" was that there were just as many dragons in my supposed safe harbor, as there were outside. I had lived inside for a long time and without warning, found myself thrust out.
Forced to explore the unknown, I found that I had wind for my sails, a vivid, passionate imagination, and more than enough courage to face dragons.
I have been sailing from safe harbor ever since.
I am...was...extremely afraid of the future. At least in the present circumstances I could imagine what the future would look like. It was bleak and undesirable, but it seemed better than the great unknown.
Beyond here be dragons!
As often happens, things fell apart any way, no matter how hard I was clinging to them. No matter how hard I fought for them.
I found myself staring into the future with no imagination. What I did have was open wounds and scars. Lots and lots of both.
It felt like drowning....untethered.
It's the first time I remember losing my faith...in everything. I manifested symptoms of PTSD and had my first panic attack. I imagined suicide. I did not desire death, but I finally understood why some choose that route.
I have endured physical pain, as well as emotional, but to feel like ones mind is unhinged, like the body and mind have forgotten what they can do and should do...
For example, imagine driving along one of the busiest streets and suddenly forgetting how to drive!
...this kind of thing is beyond frightening!
Beyond here there most definitely be dragons!
What's still amazing to me, is that in those moments, my mind and body would find the very thing needed to correct the problem...
First, I would gasp for air. The flood of oxygen would awaken sound reasoning. If I don't know how to drive, then pull over. Breathe some more. Turn off every sound possible. Close your eyes. Breathe...in...Breathe...out...
...inhale, exhale is the answer to so many momentary problems. "Just Breathe" is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do.
What I came to discover, while "just breathing" was that there were just as many dragons in my supposed safe harbor, as there were outside. I had lived inside for a long time and without warning, found myself thrust out.
Forced to explore the unknown, I found that I had wind for my sails, a vivid, passionate imagination, and more than enough courage to face dragons.
I have been sailing from safe harbor ever since.
Boring Self-care is Radical Self-care
I recently participated in a survey in which I answered the question, '"How satisfied are you with your life? " I could only answer 100%. I'm still amazed, because life hasn't been easy. I have been through the fire, and currently still struggle with money while recovering from yet another serious friendship break up. There's room for growth, but the overall picture is a beautiful golden sunrise.
The trials of the last seven years have burned away a lot of the "not me" stuff that's been hanging around. I've come to see that I attract a certain type of taker. They come with an infectious big dream that's easy to attach myself to and I really believe in them. As time passes and the dream isn't realized, because they thought it would just magically arrive in the mail, they become disillusioned with life and our relationship. It happens with friends and lovers and family. The worst part has been that I haven't dreamed my own dreams.
So, how is it done? This dreaming dreams thing? I had no idea, because I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I heard the term "radical Self-care" all I could think to do was floss my teeth . I started there.
Then I asked myself a very important question, "What do you need?" In this moment, what is the one thing you crave? I've found it's most often something very mundane.
I made a promise to myself that I would ask the question regularly and then meet my need, what ever it was.
I'd say the number one answer is: Rest.
I take a nap every day. I meditate two, sometimes three, times a day. I try to do only one thing at a time. I pet the cat and listen to her purr. I congratulate myself if I sit and do nothing, especially if during that time it doesn't cross my mind that "I should be doing something" . Doing nothing is called, "being".
Other questions I ask: How can I be healthier?
Take vitamins. Drink water. Eat what my body asks for. Get some fresh air. Take a walk.
How can I be happier?
Simplify. De-clutter. Embrace quiet. Avoid drama. Practice hobbies. Learn. Hug. Laugh. Dance.
This is all pretty boring, but compared to what's considered normal, it's also quite radical.
I discovered that my first dream found me:
I want to be a human being.
The trials of the last seven years have burned away a lot of the "not me" stuff that's been hanging around. I've come to see that I attract a certain type of taker. They come with an infectious big dream that's easy to attach myself to and I really believe in them. As time passes and the dream isn't realized, because they thought it would just magically arrive in the mail, they become disillusioned with life and our relationship. It happens with friends and lovers and family. The worst part has been that I haven't dreamed my own dreams.
So, how is it done? This dreaming dreams thing? I had no idea, because I had no idea who I was or what I wanted. When I heard the term "radical Self-care" all I could think to do was floss my teeth . I started there.
Then I asked myself a very important question, "What do you need?" In this moment, what is the one thing you crave? I've found it's most often something very mundane.
I made a promise to myself that I would ask the question regularly and then meet my need, what ever it was.
I'd say the number one answer is: Rest.
I take a nap every day. I meditate two, sometimes three, times a day. I try to do only one thing at a time. I pet the cat and listen to her purr. I congratulate myself if I sit and do nothing, especially if during that time it doesn't cross my mind that "I should be doing something" . Doing nothing is called, "being".
Other questions I ask: How can I be healthier?
Take vitamins. Drink water. Eat what my body asks for. Get some fresh air. Take a walk.
How can I be happier?
Simplify. De-clutter. Embrace quiet. Avoid drama. Practice hobbies. Learn. Hug. Laugh. Dance.
This is all pretty boring, but compared to what's considered normal, it's also quite radical.
I discovered that my first dream found me:
I want to be a human being.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Wisdom from 2014
Learn the rules so you'll know how to break them properly.
Do what you want without apology or regret.
Be yourself. No one can tell you that you're doing it wrong (although many will try).
Ask for what you need. Insist on it.
Identify your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel them. Express them.
Happiness and peace are worthy goals.
Experience the Now.
Not getting what you want is often a wonderful stroke of luck.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
In all things Dance! (Even if it's only in your head.)
See people.
Let people follow their own path. Help if you can.
Forgiveness is about letting go of another person's throat. With some people this is easy. With others though. Oy! Their very existence rankles! Sometimes it is God you hold by the throat.
Speak your mind. Especially to God. Use cuss words and yell if you need to. He's a big God. He can take it. Be much gentler with people. They have difficulty hearing you when they are focused on your delivery.
Celebrate everything! Holidays, the seasons, birthdays, anniversaries, small victories, the first snow flake, the last payment, Tuesday.
Nurture important relationships.
Leave lots of space to love yourself.
Say "no" when you need to.
Spend money on experiences, rather than on needless stuff.
Savor life's little joys.
Embrace the impermanence of life. Just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.
Follow your convictions. Don't let even well meaning people's ideas bully you.
An all day Netflix marathon or eleven hours watching football is not a waste of time.
Open the eyes to see. Take the daily, domestic workaday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral.
People are made in the image of God. That is to be celebrated and respected in everyone even if they hold a different worldview than yours. Celebrate similarities. Respect differences. Love everyone.
Do what you want without apology or regret.
Be yourself. No one can tell you that you're doing it wrong (although many will try).
Ask for what you need. Insist on it.
Identify your emotions. Give yourself permission to feel them. Express them.
Happiness and peace are worthy goals.
Experience the Now.
Not getting what you want is often a wonderful stroke of luck.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
In all things Dance! (Even if it's only in your head.)
See people.
Let people follow their own path. Help if you can.
Forgiveness is about letting go of another person's throat. With some people this is easy. With others though. Oy! Their very existence rankles! Sometimes it is God you hold by the throat.
Speak your mind. Especially to God. Use cuss words and yell if you need to. He's a big God. He can take it. Be much gentler with people. They have difficulty hearing you when they are focused on your delivery.
Celebrate everything! Holidays, the seasons, birthdays, anniversaries, small victories, the first snow flake, the last payment, Tuesday.
Nurture important relationships.
Leave lots of space to love yourself.
Say "no" when you need to.
Spend money on experiences, rather than on needless stuff.
Savor life's little joys.
Embrace the impermanence of life. Just because something doesn't last forever, doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.
Follow your convictions. Don't let even well meaning people's ideas bully you.
An all day Netflix marathon or eleven hours watching football is not a waste of time.
Open the eyes to see. Take the daily, domestic workaday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral.
People are made in the image of God. That is to be celebrated and respected in everyone even if they hold a different worldview than yours. Celebrate similarities. Respect differences. Love everyone.
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