Even though it was horrible, it's what I knew. It is hard to leave the familiar for the unknown.
I am...was...extremely afraid of the future. At least in the present circumstances I could imagine what the future would look like. It was bleak and undesirable, but it seemed better than the great unknown.
Beyond here be dragons!
As often happens, things fell apart any way, no matter how hard I was clinging to them. No matter how hard I fought for them.
I found myself staring into the future with no imagination. What I did have was open wounds and scars. Lots and lots of both.
It felt like drowning....untethered.
It's the first time I remember losing my faith...in everything. I manifested symptoms of PTSD and had my first panic attack. I imagined suicide. I did not desire death, but I finally understood why some choose that route.
I have endured physical pain, as well as emotional, but to feel like ones mind is unhinged, like the body and mind have forgotten what they can do and should do...
For example, imagine driving along one of the busiest streets and suddenly forgetting how to drive!
...this kind of thing is beyond frightening!
Beyond here there most definitely be dragons!
What's still amazing to me, is that in those moments, my mind and body would find the very thing needed to correct the problem...
First, I would gasp for air. The flood of oxygen would awaken sound reasoning. If I don't know how to drive, then pull over. Breathe some more. Turn off every sound possible. Close your eyes. Breathe...in...Breathe...out...
...inhale, exhale is the answer to so many momentary problems. "Just Breathe" is sometimes the most powerful thing you can do.
What I came to discover, while "just breathing" was that there were just as many dragons in my supposed safe harbor, as there were outside. I had lived inside for a long time and without warning, found myself thrust out.
Forced to explore the unknown, I found that I had wind for my sails, a vivid, passionate imagination, and more than enough courage to face dragons.
I have been sailing from safe harbor ever since.
